


Innocent Bystanders

by nagi_schwarz



Series: The Oppenheimer Effect [10]
Category: Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1
Genre: AU, Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-06-07 07:13:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6792808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nagi_schwarz/pseuds/nagi_schwarz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the comment_fic prompt: "Stargate Multiverse, Any, food fight."</p><p>Welcome to Memorial High. It's Thursday.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Innocent Bystanders

Rodney had heard of food fights as some kind of strange, mythical event that only happened on television shows about high schools full of dramatic and troubled but unnaturally attractive teens, or in sorority and fraternity houses as the vague plot lead-in to some whipped-cream porn scenarios.  
  
So when he walked into the cafeteria at Memorial High School and was assaulted by a glob of mashed potatoes, he froze.  
  
And then someone was tugging on his pant leg, hissing, “Get down, get down!” and he was on the floor beside a teenage boy and two teenage girls, huddled beneath a table for shelter.  
  
Oppie, who’d accompanied Rodney for his guest lecture in Evan’s physics class, trotted past Rodney and began lapping at someone’s spilled milk.  
  
“What the hell is going on?” Rodney demanded. “Aren’t there supposed to be teachers monitoring the cafeteria or something?”  
  
“Cammie got hit in the face with about half of the cheesecake the home ec class had baked and got taken right out of his chair,” the boy said, and Rodney recognized him, the attempted little home-wrecker from that time John was in the hospital. Tyler, his name was. That the students called Cam ‘Cammie’ was bizarre and apparently the result of some inside joke Rodney would never understand.  
  
“So naturally JD went to protect him, and then Luke threw his potatoes at Derek, who’d thrown the cheesecake at Cammie, and it all went to hell from there,” Tyler said. “We figured we’d wait here till the battle wound down.”  
  
“We could’ve run away,” one of the girls - pink-haired, bespectacled - said. “What’s that thing Cammie calls it? ‘Strategic reposition to the rear’.” She could imitate Cam’s drawl pretty well. “But Tyler and Tina wanted to see what happens.”  
  
There was a scream, a shout, some swearing, and then a teenage boy skidded through a spilled pool of jello and landed on his back with a terrible crash.  
  
Rodney expected someone to help the boy up, but instead someone upended yet another bowl of jello on his head.  
  
“Someone has got to put a stop to this eventually,” Rodney said.  
  
Pink-haired Girl nudged him. “You’re an adult. You try.”  
  
Rodney watched Oppie pick his way leisurely across the floor, keeping under tables but wolfing down whatever tasty morsels he could reach.  
  
And then there was a furious yowl as thirty-two ounces of Coke landed on Oppie’s head.  
  
Rodney snarled. “That’s it.” And he was on his feet. “ _Stop! Stop right now!_ ”

And magically, the kids did stop. Stared at him, eyes wide. He probably still had mashed potato smeared on his shirt, but he didn’t care.  
  
Oppie skidded over to him, yowling and trying to climb up his leg. Rodney scooped him up without hesitation, uncaring of the sticky soda now mingling with the mashed potato on his shirt. “What do you think you’re doing? What kind of behavior is this? Are you monkeys, or people? Look at what you’ve done to innocent bystanders!” He held out Oppie for all of them to see, and Oppie mewed sadly.  
  
“This kind of behavior is completely unacceptable in an institution of education,” Rodney snapped. “If you cannot be trusted with your food, you certainly cannot be trusted with the information I was going to impart to you. Go get brooms and mops and start cleaning _right this instant._ ”  
  
“He started it,” one boy began.  
  
“I don’t care! I am finishing it. Now go!” Rodney jabbed a finger at the nearest door.  
  
Someone tugged on his pant leg. “Janitor’s closet is that way,” Pink-haired Girl said.  
  
Rodney pointed at the other door.  
  
The students filed out, avoiding Rodney’s gaze, although a couple of them paused to apologize to Oppie, whose fur really was looking the worse for wear.  
  
“Couldn’t have said it better myself,” Cam said. He heaved himself up onto one of the benches, then stretched out and snagged his wheelchair, righting it with a mighty tug. He shifted himself into it. “Let’s go find Evan. He probably has clean clothes somewhere.”  
  
Rodney fell into step beside him, cuddling Oppie and feeling a little dazed. “I didn’t think those happened in real life.”  
  
“They didn’t when I was in school,” JD grumbled, picking bits of jello out of his hair.  
  
“Welcome to Memorial High,” Cam said. “It’s Thursday.”  
  
“At least this time it wasn’t stink bombs,” JD said, and Cam nodded fervently.  
  
“You couldn’t pay me to be a teenager again and go back to high school,” Rodney said, and JD fixed him with a look. Rodney swallowed hard. “Right. So...clean clothes?”


End file.
